Alright, so it's almost that time of year again. Thanksgiving's barely digested before we're bombarded with "doorbuster deals" and the annual Black Friday frenzy. But let's talk about the stock market's weird little dance around this consumerist hellscape, shall we?
Wall Street's "Day Off": Family Time or Just a Hangover?
The Market's "Day Off" (Kinda) The official line is that the stock market is closed on Thanksgiving "to allow traders to spend time with family." Give me a break. These are the same people who live and breathe money, who probably dream in ticker symbols. You think they *want* to be basting a turkey? No, they'd rather be glued to a Bloomberg terminal, plotting their next hostile takeover. But fine, whatever. They get their day off. The real kicker is Black Friday. The market *reopens*, but only for a half-day. Early close at 1 p.m. ET. Why? Oh, because it's "tradition." Because everyone's out fighting over discounted TVs, so we can't expect Wall Street titans to put in a full day's work. Seriously? This "early close" tradition is supposedly "to accommodate the holiday weekend." So, the implication is that traders are just too tuckered out from their Thanksgiving feasts to function at full capacity. Right. And I'm the Queen of England.Black Friday Stock Sales: Just Another Rigged Game?
Volatility and Vaporware Here's the thing they don't tell you: those shortened trading hours? They can lead to *increased* volatility. Fewer trades mean bigger price swings. It's like driving on the Autobahn with half the cars gone – suddenly, everyone's speeding and swerving like maniacs. And let's be real, Black Friday itself is a scam. Stores inflate prices all year just so they can mark them down for one day and make you think you're getting a deal. It's a carefully orchestrated illusion. And the stock market's participation in this charade… well, it just feels like another layer of the same con. It's all designed to get you to *spend, spend, spend*. The official line is that "investors often adjust strategies ahead of time to avoid surprises and take advantage of short-session opportunities." Translation: "We know this is a weird, artificial situation, so try not to lose all your money." The bond market closes early too, offcourse, because misery loves company. I mean, what are we even doing here? Are we supposed to believe that these early closures are for our own good? That the NYSE and Nasdaq are doing us a favor by letting everyone go home early? It all feels like some kind of weird, outdated ritual.Holiday Closures: The Market's Sick Day Obsession
The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come And it doesn't stop there, does it? Next up, it's Christmas. Early close on Christmas Eve, closed on Christmas Day. A brief window of sanity before plunging back into the holiday-fueled madness. The NYSE holiday list for 2026 is already out, taunting us with more days of market closures: New Year's Day, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Washington's Birthday, Good Friday… it never ends. It's like the market is allergic to actually being open and doing its job. You can check the Is the US stock market open tomorrow on Black Friday? Check full list of Wall Street holidays here for a full list of upcoming closures. Maybe I'm being too cynical. Maybe there's some deep, profound reason for all this that I'm just not seeing. Maybe these market closures are a vital part of the American economic system. Then again, maybe I'm giving these suits too much credit. Just Another Day to Fleece the Sheep
